The North Easterner

I can’t sleep. I’m lying in bed in the dark listening to rain bounce off my skylight, which is quite funny because my supposed ‘smart’phone is telling me there’s a 50% chance of rain tonight. Good call smartphone, you had your bases covered, I’d prefer you to just tell me that it ‘might’ rain…

Never mind, I’m also sipping a cup of tea (being British an’ all) listening to the new Walkmen album Lisbon. It’s pretty beautiful, I’m especially loving the horns on it.

I’ve got an appointment at the jobcentre tomorrow morning which should be fun, they’ll ask me what jobs I’ve applied for and when I tell them they’ll look at me with that special non-commital stare and say

“Oh, that’s good. I’ve got a job here as a kitchen designer based in the Shetland Islands with Kerry Katona’s Keep Fit Kitchens that I’ve applied for for you. No, no need to thank me, the position starts in October 2012.”

After this I’ll mutter something along the lines of:

“Witless pig fucking chilli enema”

Then pretend I’d thanked them, scribble my name in the box, dash out of the grey pebbledashed brutalist building and fight the urge to get hammered at eleven in the morning.

As you can imagine I can’t wait…

Anyone want/need a designer?

That’s why I do it all fucking day. If I was the worlds shittest designer I would be absolutely fine with it. Honest.

A new reality series in which your favourite soap stars battle it out in mental and physical challenges with the losers of the contest being ‘taken from here to a place of execution, where they shall be hung from the neck until they are dead’.

What do you think? Yes/No?